Monday, October 12, 2015

Being Honest

Hi guys, I've been a very very bad blogger recently, I'll probably go into that in my next post but I really felt like writing this first...

It's currently 2am in the morning and I'm exhausted yet wide awake. I'm not going to share this post on any social media account, send it to anybody or even tell anybody I've written it. It is purely going to be posted on here, with no labels/tags, for my loyal readers or just anybody that stumbles along it.

I've never really been one for writing about my feelings over the internet and to be honest, I rarely talk about what's really going on in my head. I constantly remind myself that someone always has things much worse than me - this is definitely true, I'm well aware of that and I'm so grateful for everything and everyone I have. However I still feel like the world is swallowing me, that I'm becoming someone I hate, that I'm afraid of everything. I don't want to and I don't think I should, but I do. I probably have the most friends right now that I've ever had in my life but strangely enough I've never felt more alone. I am plagued by paranoia whenever I hear a whisper - it's surely about me. I feel as though I must be such an annoyance to everyone and most of the time - I don't even know why.

Right now I feel so stuck in one place. Where is my life going? Why am I so unsuccessful? And the worst question - Why, at 21 years old, do I still not know what I want to do with my life? Every time these questions enter my brain I panic. I'm panicking now writing this.

I bet none of this makes sense, but I'm just writing as and when things come to me.. like I'm talking to you. It's a conversation, no, it's therapy. It's therapy for me to be able to put these thoughts into words and into sentences. I fear that this could seem very dark, but don't worry - I'm fine! Just.. tired and stressed.. worried, frustrated, lonely... and exhausted.

Everyone has their own battles and their own personal demons. Fight for happiness.

Abiee x

6 comments:

  1. oh bless you, I think we all feel like this sometimes and it's bleddy difficult to see a positive outcome - it took a while for me, Ive only recently got back on track. I think I was stuck in a rut for such a long time, with my job, my relationships, friendships, and nothing seemed to be progressing or going anywhere. I got rid of the friends that weren't my friends for the right reason, I met a new bloke, and things eventually got better in my job - because I realised at 20, it's alright to not know what I really want to do with my life - it's scary, definitely. because Ive always been someone to plan ahead. Im turning 20 very soon and I can't help but feel like I should have my life together but I don't. and I forget the fact that it's actually okay.. whats meant to be will be. Its easy to look at the negatives, but there are so many positives I was overlooking!

    As for feeling lonely, i'm in the same position right now. Im surrounded by lovely people but I couldn't feel more alone. Which is where blogging helps me an awful lot. everyone is so kind and chatty.

    I really hope you're feeling better soon, try not to focus on the negatives too much, but the positives, Things you've achieved/youre achieving. for one; not everyone can say they're balancing a job AND blogging. haha.

    you know where I am if you need a chat m'dear xo

    sophiejc.blogspot.co.uk

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    1. Aww thanks Soph for your lovely words :-) I am feeling a little better now since I wrote this, I think I just felt like I needed to get out all of the negative thoughts in some form since I have been off work sick for a while and have barely left the house - which never makes things better! It's good for me to talk and it's also good to get fresh air and have a balance of being alone but also being around people who love me. And when you feel like that you feel like nobody does. There lies the problem it's a vicious circle! I'm snapping out of it now though haha so I'm back on the blog scene and ready to take on the world again! Thanks for being my bestest blog buddy! xxxxxx

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  2. Hi , (I'm only writing in Anon because I'm at work and can't sign into anything!)
    Thank you for writing this, don't worry you are not alone! I am 23 next month and although I am not worried about the age I cannot stop thinking about how I have achieved so little in this time! I don't have a degree, I am only working as a temp and I have no idea where my life is going!
    I would love to offer words of wisdom but unfortunately as I am in the same position it's difficult. I guess just realise you are not alone and I guess it is normal ! xxx

    www.lexiedayx.blogspot.com

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    1. Thanks for your comment! It definitely helps to know that you're not the only person who feels like this! I hope we both can find exactly what we're looking for! xxxx

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  3. I hope you're okay honey, we're overdue that lunch/dinner/binge drink x

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    1. Thank you :-) I'll be fine! Definitely we need to meet up soon! x

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Thanks for commenting! If you have a question the fastest way to contact me would be twitter @abieelucas feel free to say hello! :-)